About an hour ago, Matt reminded me of the drum circle that's happening tonight. A short while after that, the Mother Unit also reminded me, asking if I was going with them.
I am not.
When it was mentioned at the Rainbow drumming circle on Sunday, I didn't get the chance to tell the Unit and Matt that I wouldn't participate. Later, I forgot to bring it up. They just assumed I'd be up for any drum circle, and that's totally understandable. I don't think they understood why I won't be going with them, though, despite my best efforts to explain.
Honestly, I didn't try very hard to explain my reason to Matt, because his understanding others - at least me, at any rate - is as selective as his hearing and attention span, and it would have led to nothing more but another avoidable conflict. But I did try to clarify my position to the Unit.
If there is something I despise more than anything else in the world, I would have to say it is hypocrisy, religious hypocrisy to be exact.
Since 2011, I have had issues with my spirituality that, today, sees me on the threshold of unapologetic atheism. I have not participated in Esbats or Sabbats, nor will I until I can say without reservation that I still believe. This is a full moon drum circle. Engaging in connecting with Earth's heartbeat by creating rhythms beneath a full moon is too close to participating in ritual for my comfort.
The Unit's argument to mine was that she was not Pagan, nor is Matt, and they're still attending. In fact, she said, there were probably few, if any, Witches present, that it was more about the drumming than anything. And she's right. I can't deny she doesn't have a point. She also fails to understand that, because I'm an initiate, because I take spirituality extremely seriously, I don't feel comfortable going to an event that even hints at ritual. I would feel like a hypocrite, and that's an untenable position in which to find oneself.
I would love to go drumming tonight. Since this one is on the beach, I would particularly love going, as I have been wanting to return to the ocean for quite a few months now. (I think I may be past the used condom incident to the point I could brave the water again.) Immersing into the Pacific beneath a full moon as the attendees drum out our collective heartbeat sounds wonderful to me right now. In all good conscience, however, I can't do it. Even though the Unit and Matt don't see a problem with my participation, neither of them have undergone an initiation into a spiritual path. They don't see the conflict because, for them, there is none. And that's okay. That's the way it's supposed to be.
In completely unrelated news, my back has been about to kill me today. As I went up the stairs earlier, I felt like the G-force was tripled. It then occurred to me that the excess skin I could never get removed may be a major factor in keeping my back in a fix. So I decided to see what my health insurance might cover, given it changed when I moved to California. I couldn't find anything on Aetna's secure members' page, but that didn't stop me. I wrote Aetna. About thirty minutes later, I got this back:
Your provider will need to request precertification for the procedure.
If approved you may be responsible $264 out patient procedure co-payment.
I'm flabbergasted by this. It just doesn't even seem real to me, that this procedure, considered strictly cosmetic by all insurers in South Carolina, would cost me less than $300, if I got approval. Based on the experience I've so far had with the medical maze in California, I'm pretty confident I'd get approval, especially if it means the procedure would help with my back, knees, and my skin in general.
I go see my PCP next week, and will definitely be broaching the subject to her at that time. I will also be mentioning it to the pain doctor later on this month, considering he's been treating my pain issues in regard to my spine, knees, and fibro. So, we'll see.
I'm probably screwing myself over royally for feeling this way, but I'm actually kind of hopeful about the prospects of this. Anyone who reads this needs to keep your digits crossed for me, 'cos this would be monumental.