Pensive

Things and Stuff

I trawled through previous posts of LJ friends and tried to post comments as much as possible. I feel like I'm neglecting everyone, not that my involvement means anything. I'm usually very involved on Facebook, because it's more friendly to media and that's what I'm focused on mostly right now. I desperately try to find amusing things in my life right now. I don't think I want to flood other peoples Live Journals with a bunch of useless crap that makes me feel better. If we're friends on Facebook, you know what I mean here.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, but when I went, they said my appointment was on December 4th. I took up a couple of hours of Janice's time going there and to the store and post office, which was closed by the time I got there (I trawled through previous posts of LJ friends and tried to post brujah). The first thing I did when I got home was check my appointment card. It says November 28th. I put the card in my purse to show to the receptionist when I go back. I thought I had lost my mind, but it turns out I didn't. I had to call Janice, who had gone to a nearby K-Mart to just roam around whilst I waited to see the doctor, then I started walking up the small road the psychiatrist's office is on. As I walked, I sprained my ankle on the uneven pavement and fell. My ankle started swelling up almost immediately and it hurts like hell today. I can't go to the doctor about it because I've been tagged as a drug seeker after my suicide attempt last November. They wouldn't give me anything for the pain because of that, so I'm taking Ibuprofen, which make flare up my ulcer. If I start vomiting blood, I'm not gonna let anyone know this time. I don't really care. No one is gonna help me anyway.

It's pretty cold here. My heater won't turn on. I have propane for heat. I don't have the money to call the repairman out, so I emailed the Mother Unit to see if she could help me a week ago. She hasn't responded. I'm sure she's tired of my asking her for money. Janice brought down a small electric space heater, but those things use so much electricity, and I can't afford a large electric bill, so I'm using it sparingly only at night. At the moment, I can hardly feel my hands, they're so cold.

My life is shit. I wish I could deal with everything as well as
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I trawled through previous posts of LJ friends and tried to post comments as much as possible. I feel like I'm neglecting everyone, not that my involvement means anything. I'm usually very involved on Facebook, because it's more friendly to media and that's what I'm focused on mostly right now. I desperately try to find amusing things in my life right now. I don't think I want to flood other peoples Live Journals with a bunch of useless crap that makes me feel better. If we're friends on Facebook, you know what I mean here.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, but when I went, they said my appointment was on December 4th. I took up a couple of hours of Janice's time going there and to the store and post office, which was closed by the time I got there (I trawled through previous posts of LJ friends and tried to post <IMG style="CURSOR: default" src="http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=99" width=16 height=16 data-title="" data-user="brujah"><A style="COLOR: blue; FONT-WEIGHT: bold" href="http://www.livejournal.com/update.bml#" data-title="" data-user="brujah" seen="true" data-cke-saved-href="#">brujah</A>). The first thing I did when I got home was check my appointment card. It says November 28th. I put the card in my purse to show to the receptionist when I go back. I thought I had lost my mind, but it turns out I didn't. I had to call Janice, who had gone to a nearby K-Mart to just roam around whilst I waited to see the doctor, then I started walking up the small road the psychiatrist's office is on. As I walked, I sprained my ankle on the uneven pavement and fell. My ankle started swelling up almost immediately and it hurts like hell today. I can't go to the doctor about it because I've been tagged as a drug seeker after my suicide attempt last November. They wouldn't give me anything for the pain because of that, so I'm taking Ibuprofen, which make flare up my ulcer. If I start vomiting blood, I'm not gonna let anyone know this time. I don't really care. No one is gonna help me anyway.

It's pretty cold here. My heater won't turn on. I have propane for heat. I don't have the money to call the repairman out, so I emailed the Mother Unit to see if she could help me a week ago. She hasn't responded. I'm sure she's tired of my asking her for money. Janice brought down a small electric space heater, but those things use so much electricity, and I can't afford a large electric bill, so I'm using it sparingly only at night. At the moment, I can hardly feel my hands, they're so cold.

My life is shit. I wish I could deal with everything as well as <IMG style="CURSOR: default" src="http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=99" width=16 height=16 data-title="" data-user="popfiend""COLOR: blue; FONT-WEIGHT: bold" href="http://www.livejournal.com/update.bml#" data-title="" data-user="brujah" seen="true" data-cke-saved-href="#">"popfiend". Guess I'm not that strong.
  • Current Location: home, as usual
  • Current Mood: morose morose
  • Current Music: Genesis - Mama
Honey, you are dealing with things as best as you can. While popfiend's loss is devastating, he has better resources than you do to help him cope. You can't compare yourself to him! And Helly also has resources that aren't available to you. She's leaning heavily on those supports! And they just aren't available for you.

I'm glad when you post so much on FB, because it tells me that you're trying to keep your head up. I wish I could do more for you, and I know many of these other readers wish they could as well. But we're listening, and we care. And we're rooting for you!
As sapphirescarlet said: WE ARE HERE, WE ARE LISTENING, WE LOVE YOU!!!
FORZA, TRACY!!!!
Here and listening... you are and will be in my prayers.
I'm here, too, for what it's worth. Wish there was more I could do. But I think about you everyday - no lie. You are part of my mental landscape.

Peace to you, Tracy dear.