Cadmus Ink

What I Could Do Better

When you boil it right down, I really am a lousy person. I believe we were all put on this Earth to learn a particular lesson, not for ourselves, but for the shattered puzzle that is spread in shards across the universe, gathering the data it needs to figure itself out, when each shard returns to the source. I also believe that, and history bears me out here, if you fail to learn a lesson, you're doomed to repeat the same mistakes until you get it right.

I'm selfish.

I want things my way. And I want them NOW.

That kind of behaviour has doomed me to suffer the same grief over and over again.

I remember as a kid of around five, the Mother Unit instructed me to feed the orphaned blue jay every 30 minutes. I thought The Flintstones was more important. The bird was dead when I finally made my out to the cage. I lost my patience with Granny, and Henry, as their health glaringly failed. I caught myself thinking of how much easier it would be if they were just GONE. Than that was all I could think of when they had left me. I'd wished them dead.

Did I learn my lesson from my selfishness and self-importance?


I found myself doing the same thing with Aunt Tudi. I found her to be a burden a lot of the time. Having to deal with her fluids was unbearable to me. I've always had a problem with human emissions. Animals are fine, but I won't even drink after a person. In her last few months, Aunt Tudi disgusted me and I prayed for it to end.

And end it did. And I'm alone with all those thoughts of how I could have been a better relative, companion, person. This is the main reason I refuse to abandon the animals, even though lingering here is like subjecting myself to a slow soul death. The didn't ask to be born. All they know is that they love me and I love them. I don't think they realise how precarious their living arrangements were there for a while.

There's a lot I cannot do better. It's too late. Only the guilt remains, the living of the issues over and over, knowing there's no hope of forgiveness, because I can't forgive myself first. The one thing I can do better is not run from my responsibilities I have the two dogs and the the two cats. I may die here in miserable solitude, bereft of any kind of hope, and with a black chasm in my heart where the memories of my failures finally ate me from the inside out, but I will have lived up to my responsibilities to Chester, Toby, Smidgen, and Seedling.
  • Current Location: home
  • Current Mood: embarrassed ashamed
  • Current Music: Alan Parsons Project - Let Me Go Home
I promised I was not gonna talk about myself with your therapy journals, but all I have to say, is I am so there with you, and have done exactly the same things. We cannot control what we think; and selfish. It is easy to do things for others if you don't have ill thoughts. It is SOOOSOSOSOOO hard to do it when your thoughts are running rampant like yours did. You are remarkable for doing what you did.

Don't ever think I ever did anything for my family without the same battles in my mind.
Paisley daze, miintikwa and mizliz are right -both of you! Wanting it to end is normal, it does not cause anything to happen, and you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Both of you stayed and gave that care - nobody but you made you made you do it, it was done through love. I still say, Tracy, that you owe it to Tudi to have a life now, otherwise she "got out of your way"(as your impatient side would say) for nothing.
That's right. You CAN die of miserable solitude, but I don't think you are in a solitude with all your internet friends. And your caring for your wonderful Aunt Tudi would be for naught.

OR, you can decide that you are a better person than that, and you deserve a life, and just GO. Anywhere. you have enough contacts to plan a move anywhere in the US. with the animals.

Being a caregiver is hard. I think all caregivers want "it" to end, where it is the whatever drives them the most mad. I don't think that makes you a bad person.

*hugs* At any rate, no one who knows you would doubt how much Aunt Tudi meant to you.
You were not disgusted with Tudi, herself. You were disgusted by the things that were happening to her and the fact it was all so out of your control. There is a big difference. Similar to loving someone but hating the things they do. Please give yourself a break on this, Tracy. It's an unnecessary burden that you do not have to carry along with everthing else you are dealing with. Peace to you.
I can't say anything better than the three previous comments, but I'll echo them. I don't think there is any caregiver who has not felt the secret disgust, resentment, burden. That's just being an overwhelmed human being.

You know who is responsible for the dead bird, if anyone is? Your mom. You were five years old. If she wanted to teach you a lesson of responsibility that included the life of another creature, she should have been checking behind you. You don't have to carry that.

Anyway, you're no more selfish or self-centered or bad or impatient than me. Or anyone. If there is a lesson here, maybe it's that: Yes, we are all here to TRY to rise above our natural inclinations, but you are not required to beat yourself up for not being more successful at it, any more than anyone else.

Here's your penance, if you want one: all that selfless care you feel you failed to give others? You give it to yourself. All the patience, all the love, all the forgiveness for being messy and guilt-ridden and flawed. You give that to yourself.

(((hugs to you)))
These ladies here are saying the most wonderful things!
Agreed with all of you!
Please Tin, give yourself a break! <3