Pensive

Confusion

A morning or middle of the night does not pass me by without my being confused about where I am, when I am, and who is alive. I sleep on the couch because Aunt Tudi calling for me is more unbearable when I'm in the bed. But then I wake up on the couch wondering where Aunt Tudi would be if I'm on her couch. It's a Catch-22. What's worse, is I'm getting half-woken perceptions that Granny is still alive too. When I'm finally fully awake, I see that I'm alone, and that just makes things worse in a way, because I can't figure if I'm being haunted in a parapsychological sense or if I'm being spooked by unformed, half-forgotten, and undesired memories.

When I first started going to school and being bullied at the age of 5, the advice my family gave me was "ignore them and they'll go away." They didn't go away, but it didn't stop my trying to make things ago away by ignoring them. It was like a habit. While I kept my head low, my thoughts would be racing on how I'd just love to get even in any way, shape, or form. Nothing really changed for me expect for creating a kind of stoic nature that abhorred any

Another example of this is the purchase of my current home. I never wanted this house; I have too much of my biological Romany genetic mish-mash. But Aunt Tudi and Granny wanted to make sure I had a home, not realising they were helping to build me a prison in which I just exist in order to ensure my animal-companions' safety and happiness until they pass away.

Therein lies my dilemma. For almost 44 years to the day, I was a practicing Stoic, never showing my feelings, never letting anything get to me. But this time I can't. I wake up unsure of my surroundings, unable to get my bearings, and it causes me to start crying. I have one found one thing that I'd rather cry in public than to ever do, and that is to laugh by myself. I have no one to share my off-kilter humour with.

I try to ignore all of it, hoping it will just go away. But it does not. It just seems to fester, like a gangrene of the soul. There's got to be some way to get through it, to get past it, to conquer it, before it conquers me.
  • Current Location: home
  • Current Mood: bitchy bitchy
  • Current Music: Ronan Hardiman - Warriors
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You are, indeed, going through a dark night of the soul. But it won't always be like this. At some point your mind (if not your heart) will accept the reality of a corporal world without Tudi. But she's still close in the spirit sense. Things will get less confused with time.

The house may even seem more comfortable to you once these hauntings lessen and you have your space back without those murmurings to drag you down. Revel in your animal family as much as you can. No doubt they feel some of the confusion as well. You can comfort one another.

Peace to you.

I hope this helps:



Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.


-William Ernest Henley
I hope to someday live up to that, but it's the hardest lesson to learn. We Virgoes are wired to be perfect, or act well enough to make it look perfect.
No one can ever know what a bereaved person is experiencing. One person’s experience of grief may be very different from another’s. No one can judge what is right or wrong in how that grief is displayed.
Grief has many faces and many levels. It forces us to face the randomness of life, which is often more than we can do. We become identified by our loss – regardless of how death occurred – it becomes part of who we are. Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever laugh again?
To these 2 questions I answered – yes, but it’ll be with a clause attached. It’s never going to be quite the same.
The world as you know it changes. Our world has forever changed in fundamental ways that cannot even be explained. It opens up a dimension that we are never prepared for.
Grief is a lonely journey. Yes you can grieve with other people in your family, but it’s a very personal journey that each person experiences in their own unique way.
Someone once said that grieving is a lot like peeling an onion. As you peel through each layer, you strip away the emotions and the tears flow and flow.
Give yourself permission to live.
We are not powerless in how we cope. We can keep our loved ones alive not just in our hearts, but by talking about them. Not being afraid to say their names. Not letting them become the elephant in the room. When you lose someone you love, you earn some rights to say how you feel and to do what feels right for you. Xxxx