Bellatrix

Formal Therapy Journal Entry 2: Forgive, you'll feel better

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I lived with Aunt Tudi. She was a victim of abuse by authority, society, gender, religion ~ what have you, she was a victim. She she learned more about my Pagan exploration, she latched on it it like a piranha. She adored the idea of a matristic society. She longed for it. And that longing stirred within her a dinstinct revilement of the Patriarchy in which we now live. She got so extreme by it all, even I grew weary of her railing against what she referred to as the rich white man.

When she died, people came out of the woodwork, proclaiming Aunt Tudi's deep concern for my slipping into the treacherous grips of Satan. I knew they were lying. If anything, I often defended their right to believe as they wished, because belief can be a powerful and comforting thing. Why burst a bubble when you may need it the most? But that was exactly what these people, whom I had defended were doing to me, using Aunt Tudi's death to convert me to their way of thinking. Do you know what it did? It made me question what little faith I did have in whatever faith I had chosen. I feel like a lifeboat lost at sea, like that old black & white nail-biter that make you wondering whe was gonna get distilled and eaten for the day.

They're lying to me. I know that they're lying to me. I knew Aunt Tudi all too well. They're usuing her death to supposedly save my soul. If selling out the one person I love on this Earth other than than my mama, my soul does not deserve to be saved. I deserve whatever hell is waiting for me. If hell exists, if I took the route these "do-gooders" want me to take, I deserve it and a thousand times more.

I've never had much like for my fellow human. For years, I've hoped the Earth will be saved from the virus that we are. One an even more personal level, I can honestly say I hate my species. And I'm not excluding myself from all this. We're deceptive, opportunistic, and harmful to ourselves and our fellow Earthlings. Jesus Christ taught to turn the other cheek. The man must have been made of nothing but billions of Pink Floydian 'The Wall' cheeks, 'cos he'd have to be turning them forever. I want the Jesus that kicks the money-changers' arses. I want Boadiccea. I want Cailleach. I want NEMESIS.

Every time I've ever forgiven, I've been hurt just that much more. I don't care about forgiveness anymore. I care about getting through until the end of the Mayan Calendar with the hope that that the hype is right and the Earth is left to a much better species than we shall ever hope to be.

I don't know if all this is gonna end up getting me committed. Surely, I'm not the only one who feels betrayed by everyone and everything in my life. I lost my best friend last year and now everyeone is telling me to get over it. I live in a house I hate in a state I completely despise, with an aversion to crying, yet finding myself doing so in public. I want to abandon everything and just hit the road to nowhere.

Maybe I'll meet Ozzy Osbourne.
  • Current Location: home
  • Current Mood: angry angry
  • Current Music: Shriekback - The First City
musement
I heard an interesting comment recently regarding turning the other cheek.

The speaker was saying that many people often misinterpret "turn the other cheek" to be a commandment of submission. It's not; it's meant as a sign of defiance - that being struck out at isn't significant to you.

It didn't convert me or anything (LOL!) but I'd never heard that take on it before. That really, there's no dichotomy between turning the other cheek and beating down the money changers.



Edited at 2012-11-07 10:04 pm (UTC)
Bleed, girl, bleed. Clean the wound.

But when you look at the way Christianity functions these days, those tactics are not at all surprising. Just turn the other cheek - in the debrafortune way: ignore them. I know you're right about Tudi.
If Christ came back and saw what has been done in his name, he would weep. Steer clear of anyone who is laying this bullshit on you. Just tell them, you'll pray for them. It'll drive them nuts.

Don't forget they speak from ignorance of who you are and who Tudi was. So, tell them you'll forgive them for their ignorance. Again, it'll drive them nuts.

You live in the bible belt so you're at a disadvantage for sure - being surrounded by the sanctimonious. No wonder you hate being with people.