Pensive

Dammitalltohell

I've got 99 problems, but Tim Roth ain't one of them.

Okay, he may be an addiction problem.

Seriously, though, this computer has been nothing but trouble since I got it. I have saved everything to the external hard drive and I'm calling Dell tomorrow. It's still under warranty, so GODS, I should be able to get this fixed or get a replacement, or sommat.

In other news, I'm still struggling with Feeding the Tree. My mind just can't wrap around the anchors in this story engaged in anything almost remotely sexual. I don't want this to be Slash, but I do want to reflect the attraction/repulsion between Cadmus and Flint. Still though, it distresses me that such a pairing even exists in my head. It's so wrong and so many levels, I can't even adequately express it.

Also, I'm enduring another wave of love, which had been abated for a little while at least. I don't like this feeling. I'm not fond of not being in control. This may very well be a part of me I injected into Cadmus Pariah. I am after all his mother, and I am after all a part of him as a result. I consider it his inherent Virgo nature, if he in fact has a zodiac sign. I would like to think he is a Virgo, considering his parents, but that isn't necessarily written in stone. Anyway, this love crap has got to stop. I am not a little unamused by its presence, but can't see any way around its inevitablity.

There's a part of me who theorises that my desperate clinging to this idea of love is a side effect of the loss of Aunt Tudi. I have many friends, most of them online; however, this one person stands out to me. I cling to the idea of him, when I realistically should not. But he's such a huge part of me now, I can't conceive of a life without him, however small a life it may be. It may be because he was the one person I clung to during all the grief and sorrow. He was my only connection to reality and often my only consolation. What agonises me is that I can never tell him.

I can never tell the people I love that I love them. It's like some sort of karmic block. First there was Andy. I told him. He told me he was gay. Then my soul mate. He was married. Then the Harpist. That was love at first sight. Yes, it exists. It was not reciprocated. I know this latest incidence is not reciprocated, not in the way I wish it were. Besides my soul mate, this may well be my one greatest love. I'd simply accept it as adoration, but it's more than that.

I just want it to go away. I want things to go back to normal, or at least my conception of normal. I want to be normal again. I want things to be the way they used to be, instead of the uncomfortable arrangement there is now. What's so bad is, I'm the only one who feels this apparent discomfort, because I desperately want more than what I can have. That's the story of my life in the realm of love. I just want him to be as affection toward me as he can be, considering his situation.

If I could give him the world, I would. But all I can give him is a detached sort of admiration.

Aaaaanyway...

In even more news, I have a New Fascination, thanks to the movie Sucker Punch. One Oscar Isaac. Ain't he pretty? This is actually more my type than Tim Roth, but Timmeh is still #2 in my sick little world.

  • Current Location: home
  • Current Mood: drunk drunk
  • Current Music: Shriekback - Mothloop
Love is a big fat mess. But I miss it.

That tormented feeling, though...I'm so sorry. I've never found any good solution other than to sleep a lot, ideally under the influence of pharmaceuticals. But that's no good longterm.

I hear you. Hugs.
Sorry BB. Love doth sucketh - a lot. But, I'm jaded. I've been disappointed too much in the past to take another shot at that blissfully unhinged state of temporary insanity. It's like a drug and I'm never quite responsible for my actions under its influence. So, I'm weaning off, permanently. Saving my heartstrings for family and friends and steering clear of "romantic" love. If that makes me cold, so be it. I'm a romantic at heart but in real life, I gotta say - it blows. Still, I feel your pain. All I can offer is my sympathy and my wish for you to get over it soon so you don't hurt over something so pointless.

On second thought. Forget what I said. All of it. I'm just being a turd.
I'm a total turn with you. I don't believe in love, which make this even more perplexing. Actuallly, it pisses me right the fuck off. Excuse the typos, if they're any; I'm drunk as shit and don't care.
Oh ... drunk is good. Especially at times like this. If I can offer anything constructive, it would be to examine the man in question under a mental microscope and look for flaws. Look closely. There has to be one or two or three and then concentrate on those, exclusively. Magnify them to comic proportions so that, in the end, he is a mere caricture of himself. It's okay. It's self preservation. You have to do it. Good luck with this assignment.
UGH...that's the problem. I can't think of any. Drug addiction maybe? Trick of the trade? And it hasn't really affected him to any level? I dunno. It hasn't seemed to affect his domestic life to any degree. I dunno. I'm such a total loser.
Oh, I know all that on a logical basis, and know without a doubt that I have ZERO chance with this guy (or with Oscar Isaac OR with Tim Roth!!), but t still huts to good to look and think of all the unlikely possibilities.

Self-torture always makes me wibble.
I tried to delete that message, I felt it was bad info. I am sorry if I said anything wrong. I have been so hurt through the years I cannot help anyone in that category