Pensive

Chester

One of the most distressing issues for me right now is Chester. Every time I look at Chester, I see Aunt Tudi for a number of reasons, the greatest being that he was taken into our family as a Christmas gift for Aunt Tudi after we lost Winston. Winston was a Yorkshire Terrier we adopted from Dr. Patch's office after his family "had a baby" and no longer could care for Winston like they previously could. He lived his last five years with us, and he and Aunt Tudi grew extremely close. Winston had to visit the hospital often in the last year of his life because of congestive heart failure. He actually died in Aunt Tudi's arms during one of our hospital visits. He got too excited at seeing Aunt Tudi and his heart gave out on him.

Losing him and in such a traumatic way was deeply troubling to us both, but especially Aunt Tudi. She grieved so hard for that dog and was so mournful for not having a Yorkie in her life, I decided to get her a Yorkie puppy.

Chester was born in November 2000 and I made the down-payment on him in December of the same year. I took Aunt Tudi to visit the 6-week-old puppies and finalising the payment in January 2001. In March, Winchester Napolean came home with us, horking on both Aunt Tudi's shoulders from nerves and motion sickness. She thought it was adorable.

Chester was less than three months shy of 11 when Aunt Tudi passed.

He has been incredibly lonely since she's gone and, even though I've tried to be there for him in the same capacity, there's just no way I can be. What makes it even worse is, there are some days I can barely look at him because of what he means and how much he meant to Aunt Tudi.

This week has been so bad, and Chester has sensed it. He's been all over me, trying to comfort me, not realising that he has sometimes only served to break my heart more. We're two wounded animals for whom there seems to be no healing capacity. Chester seems to have fared better than I have, but who am I to really say for sure? Humans can't adequately interpret animals' feelings, so I'm not going to assume to know Chester's thoughts on this. All I can do is go by what I perceive and how I feel.

All I know is that Chester has been sorely neglected on my part because of my inability to properly grieve combined with my being a poor replacement for someone whose affection was unconditional and knew no bounds. I'm a selfish slob compared to the person Chester knew as his 24/7 companion up until August of last year. There's no way I can ever measure up and that is to Chester's detriment. It's so unfair to him, and yet another testament to the wisdom that you should never give an animal as a gift.

And here it is 2 AM in the morning and I'm up rubbing the already raw parts of my heart even bloodier.
  • Current Location: home
  • Current Mood: morose morose
  • Current Music: Thomas Dolby - Silk Pajamas
I can't express how sorry I am. I hate that you are hurting so much, and feeling guilt and responsibility on top of it. I'd tell you not to feel guilty about Chester but I know it's nearly impossible to turn that feeling off when it has you by the throat. So I'll just say: you've been heard, and you are in my thoughts.