Still Here

So, where to begin?

Oh yeah, I'm still here. Not sure why, but I am. Lucky you.

It's been a pretty bleak week, emotionally speaking. One of the darker ones since Aunt Tudi's passing. I've come very close a couple of times this week to going through with my desire to join her and all the animals who've gone on before us. I'm not just saying that. My only option in making that a reality is jumping in the river right down the road. I can't swim and I'd be jumping from a bridge, so it's a pretty certain thing. And I was in the car and going down the driveway in the middle of the night this past Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Why I turned back is anyone's guess.

Maybe it's because I'd feel guilty leaving the animals that are still here.

Maybe I'm just way too much of a coward.

Maybe I just don't know.

Whatever the reason, I'm still here and plugging along, trying to keep my mind on other matters, and off Aunt Tudi.

I've decided that modern technology can sometimes be more of a curse than a blessing. I have always been the type to keep reminders of people I've lost out of my sight until I was better able to cope with the loss. Besides being trapped in a house so small that I can't even turn my head without being reminded of Aunt Tudi, I have a computer full of pictures that keep popping up unexpectedly. I'm not even to the point where I can segregate these pictures, so I'm just playing Russian Roulette with my sanity every time I open up my pictures folder.

There's that, and there's the "magic" of video. I have mpegs that have Aunt Tudi on them, and I also have quite a few family video tapes that I know have a lot of Aunt Tudi footage on them. Maybe someday I'll treasure all of this, just as people have treasured old photos in the past; but I'm not there yet, and I wonder if perhaps good old biological memory isn't the preferred and only-intended method by which we are supposed to honour the dead.

Maybe we aren't meant to hold onto the past in the ways in which we are currently capable. For some of us, like me, it's too painful to do so. I've never been the sentimental type, and perhaps this is why. I feel too much if I allow myself, so I prefer to keep it under tight control. I have no control in this matter. It's all spiralling way out of my reach, and I'm left feeling chaotic (not in a good way) and bereft.

But there's nothing for it.

I've tried to keep my mind off it all by watching even more Tim Roth (if that's possible) movies and TV. I just uploaded Tutorial #55 and have made even more friends/fans on the TTR Tumblr. I didn't realise what started out as a funny little lark would garner such an audience.

I'm also mapping out more of where I want the latest Cadmus short, still tentatively called "Star Watcher," to go. This one may well include the revelation of the Egyptian fresco, the accompanying art I am about three-quarters of the way finished inking in. The one problem I'm having with the writing end of all this, is Flint is wanting more "screen time." I'm still not even sure Flint is actually going to make it into The Harming Tree. "The Waltham Phantom" most certainly isn't keeping in canon with the theme of the short-story collection. And, on top of that, I almost broke my brain a couple of days ago when I really got to thinking about the anchors for Cadmus and Flint, and what these characters engage in, in "The Waltham Phantom." There are some things in this world that are just wrong, and this is one of them, and one of the many reasons I will bust hell wide open, should there actually be a hell.

I haven't heard back from Barry yet on the last two Illuminati songs. After the weekend come and goes, I'm gonna drop him a note and see if he's forgotten about it, which is quite likely, given the other stuff he's currently engaged in, like recording new Shriek music.

Speaking of The Shriek, I'm waiting until after 12/21 and, if we're still around and I'm still around, I'm going forward with re-establishing the Shriek tribute site that used to reside on And I've decided what domain it's going to be on ~ Midnight Maps. This is very appropriate for me because it was the name for the very first website I tried to make, and was the working title for this blog. For those not in the know, "Midnight Maps" is a Marsh-centric Shriekback song from the album "Jam Science." The website won't be for Shriekback alone, but also for Marsh's latest projects, as well as including all the information from the old Barry Andrews Resource Center and information on Thee Caretakers and other Restaurant for Dogs' alum's works over the years. I've reestablished contact with David Marx and am going to ask him if he's okay with my including his work and website on the Midnight Maps. If so, more's the better!

I'm attempting to keep my stream-of-consciousness and mind-blippishness stuff on Facebook so as not to clutter up Cliffs. My brain seems so much more scattered these days and I fear making this place a dumping ground for nothing more than my own idiocy. Of course, that's what the Cliffs of Insanity has always been, when you boil right down to it, but my thinky thoughts just seem a bit more zoned out of late, and not nearly as coherent as they could or should be. So I just save up, and make one gigantic blog splat before the next big dump, potty humour intended.

All that said, I did post something on FB I would like to bookmark here as well. It was a swift flash of lucidity in the typical murkiness that is my current state of mind.

Christian Fundamentalism = Bullying in the name of Christ

I'm not saying it because I thought of it, but I believe that's pretty spot-on and just a tad clever. I want to be sure to remember it, and use it whenever appropriate. Hell, it'd even make a great bumper sticker. I wonder if you can have your own bumper stickers made...

Ohhhh, writing "bumper sticker" reminds me, I've opted to total my car out to Nationwide and get a used car, which Diane is going to help me pick out, since she's very experienced in this area. I should have a new vehicle by next weekend. My first order of business once I have the car in my clutches is to Tinify it; that is, throw as many incendiary bumper stickers as I can muster on the car's arse. This means a trip to Asheville, which is something I've been wanting to do since it warmed up enough for the Blue Ridge Parkway to be reopened. It's time to go visit Aunt Tudi and Granny. And the shop where I get the bumper stickers sells them ridiculously cheap, so I should be able to get at least 7 or 8 for about $10. Since the car I'll be getting will sip gas probably better than the ION, I'm looking at $20 round trip including the bumper stickers. If I have the fundage after paying for everything I'll have to in order to get the car and get it on the road, that should be a trip well worth the saw buck.

We'll see.

At this point, every day is a "we'll see" sort of day.
  • Current Location: home
  • Current Mood: depressed depressed
  • Current Music: Zoe - Cherry Wine
damn, I forgot about them, which is ignunt of me, considering they spam me
Great to see you making future plans - like the trip to Asheville. Just keep looking ahead, one day at a time. Baby steps. You'll get through this.