Haunted by the dead. Lonely. Thinking this will never stop. Stayed awake for approximately 31 hours. Kept seeing the dead. Got in my car to drive. Ran into a ditch. Got a ticket. Car towed. Passed out sometime yesterday. Cat got me up at 5 this morning. I thought Aunt Tudi was gonna be on the couch when I went to let the cat out. She was not there. Let the cat out. Car was not there. I need help, serious help. Gonna look for a psychiatrist today. Can't stop crying. Honestly, I wish I were dead. I've had enough of all this misery. If I can't find help...I don't know what I am going to do. I just want this grief to stop. I want to be happy for once. I want to just fucking die.
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  • Current Music: silencia
I wish I could ease your pain. I wish I had the magic combination of words that would make everything at least give you a break for a moment of peace. I know that I can't give you what you need.

All I can do is tell you that I'm here if you need to talk. I'm here even when you're sad and broken. I will be here when you're mended and finding the Light once more.

I firmly support the idea of counselling, particularly with as rapidly as your moods are cycling of late. Take that step and get the care you need.

I love you, Angelina, with all my little grey Jedi, sith-tainted heart.
Were you hurt in the accident? Is the car fixable? I know you need your wheels.

You're not going crazy. You're grieving. It can feel the same. I know. There is no magic bullet to make it stop hurting. It takes time, pumpkin.

A psychiatrist might be fine to talk things out but in my experience, all they will do is validate what you're feeling and then tell you that you have to figure it out. Yes, I've seen one in the past and he was next to useless. You still have to do the work yourself. The work of grieving and moving past.

What I find helps is looking at the rest of your life as an opportunity to pay tribute to who you lost. And the best way to do that is to live it the best and most authentic way that you can. I think you're already doing that. Try to see that a lot of your pain is survival guilt. And when you think about it, really think about it, survival guilt does not make any sense. It's not your fault that she went and it's not your fault that you're still here. Shit happens beyond our control and beyond any rational agenda.

Try to just chill for a few days. Maybe get Janice to fetch what you need until your car is back and just lay low with movie therapy, Cheerwine and music. Cry your bloody head off if you want, try to get some sleep and be good to yourself. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

Love ya.
I wish all of us could drain off depression, put it somewhere else and just get it out of us.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
You are wise to look into counseling. I had a friend going through much the same thing after her father's death, and grief counseling got her through it in three sessions. She said it was the best thing she ever did for herself.

Hang in there.
I think counseling is a good idea, too. Living to honor Tudi is a great idea. Being the best YOU you can be is crucial. I know that you've been careening thru the internet during these times when you're awake too long, desperate for connection, unable to sleep. These bouts of insane creativity are not in vain! But you have to take care of you. Get help girlfriend. Let yourself grieve.
Counseling - good idea
Honoring Tudi - Good Idea
Honoring yourself - Good idea
Telling us about it - Good Idea

Grief lasts forever, but the worse part lasts for a year. This is still fresh, and understandable that is still upsetting.

I am sorry, you are going through alot, but the best thing you could ever do to honor Trudi, is to follow your dreams.

I also felt Tudi at your house, I believe she is trying to soothe your pain. I felt her warmth and love, and it felt so good. Once you are able to let her help you, you will feel her love too. Ghosts are good.

Lonely is not good. I wish I could help there. I live alittle too far away to help much. email me your phone number, if you want me to bug you abit.

Thanks for telling us, we will help do what we can. You need me to come down there, I will.

I can only agree on what most of the others have said, but I nevertheless want to add something of my own.

I know that I am a world apart from you, but you are in my thoughts, and I am sending you the Best of wishes, that you will find some comfort for your sorrows, as grieveous that they may be.

You are not crazy, it only feels that way.

From these far northern lands,

Caringly Yours,

Oleander 56
I hope you can find some help. Is there anyone you can hang with for some distraction?
I wish I had more to offer than *hugs*. I wish I was working now so I could send you some money to help tide you over for a while.